Having a multimillion dollar media empire based on silly images of cats? Ultimate.

Ben Huh might look nerdy, but he is quite ultimate. You want his job, trust me.

I can haz fun times and $$$$ like Ben?

Power naps – Ultimate

Feeling tired is definitely one of the repercussions of leading an ultimate lifestyle but it is quite ultimate just getting in a bit of sleep at the opportune moment.

This kind of one or two hour nap has been taken to new levels in NYC where you can go for a power nap in specially designed pods.

Smooth Parallel Parking. Ultimate.

Being a one-time parallel parker is totally ultimate. Just size up the spot, swing your car into reverse, and feel your way in. No sweat.

This becomes even more ultimate when the size of the spot just exactly equals the size of your car. Double points if your car is bigger (don’t try this).

 

Also double points if you can do it like this:

(Stranana)

Exam time Procrastination. Not Ultimate

Every single person I know that has had to study for anything has fallen victim to the evil lord procrastinator.  This is painfully not ultimate.  When he has you in his grasp you are neither filling your head with potentially useful information nor allowing yourself to take a break.  It is most common that you will find some completely inane task that allows your body to feel like it is doing something while your mind stays half way across the milky way.  Allowing this to continue can turn you into a fish.  PUT YOUR REVISION TO ONE SIDE FOR A MOMENT.  GO TAKE A WELL EARNED BREAK.  SEE YOUR MATES.  PLAY SPORT.  GO FOR A WALK

 

Some classic examples of procrastination are:

1)  Typing “ANS * 2” into your calculator to see how long it takes to get an error by constantly pressing =

2)  Playing internet games like “diner dash” and “feeding frenzy”

3)  Going on multiple cigarette and tea breaks

4)  Making a revision helmet out of a cereal box and some masking tape

5)  Making an “Evil Lord Procrastinator” helmet to go and have that ultimate superhero-villain battle to the death with your housemate who is revising hard wearing their “Captain Reviso” revision helmet

… 

I’m sure our readers can think of some more good ones to add, probably while they should be revising.

Homing from Work – Sort of Ultimate

Need to sort out your utility bills? Need to book some flights? Need to write your latest blog post? Don’t mess around in your own time trying to connect to next doors internet connection, make use of that under-utilised super-fast work broadband!

Having Sex with Twins. Not Ultimate

You find a really hot girl that wants you to bang her… what could be better?  How about two hot girls?  How  about two hot girls that look identical?

This all sounds really hot but is actually another one of those  wolves in sheep’s clothing and is so often passed off wrongly as being ultimate (mainly by plebs).  The reality of this one is they are sisters.  INBREEDING IS NOT ULTIMATE, ergo Having Sex with Twins is Not Ultimate

MacBooks. Ultimate.

I am currently chilling on a friend’s MacBook pro and it is probably one of the best laptops I’ve ever used.  I’m loving this, it is so ultimate.  Think I might be a convert.

Pumas. Reebok Pumps. Ultimate.

Having a good pair of kicks is definately ultimate. You can’t go wrong with pumas although there are a lot of great brands out there that can compete.

And of course a throwback to the good old days: Reebok Pumps. Remember those? So ultimate back in the day, it would take a brave soul to rock them today.

 

Artist collaborations. Ultimate.

It is great to see your favorite artists working together to create ultimate entertainment. In music, its very refreshing to see multiple genres meshing together. Run DMC with Aerosmith, Jay Z with Linkin Park are just a few examples.

But, my current favorite artist collaboration is definitely the Ben Affleck/Jimmy Kimmel video. It’s got everybody you can think of and its pretty ultimate!

Will add more examples when I think. Examples from readers welcome!

London 2012 logo. Not Ultimate.

I love sports, love the olympics, love London, but the 2012 logo is not doing it for me.

Lending a helping hand. Ultimate.

Time for a slightly serious post. If you have ever been there for somebody when they needed a little emotional boost, if you have helped somebody without expecting anything in return, if you are somebody’s pillar of support, if you tell your younger siblings to stay in school and to stay away from drugs, you are definitely Ultimate.

Guys singing to girlie songs in clubs. Not Ultimate.

Singing along to “dont cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me … ” should really be left to the females. At multiple occasions in clubs, we’ve seen guys singing along to “dont cha”, “my humps”, and “holla back girl” and thinking that they are the coolest. News flash: Not Ultimate.

To be fair to them, they all do have very catchy beats and there is nothing wrong with dancing along to them with your people (I do it), but lets control the urges to lip-sync.

Cufflinks. Ultimate.

As discussed earlier, anything emphasizing your gentleman status is ultimate. A crisp shirt with a nice pair of cufflinks: you look good, you feel good. Of course, cuff links with large dollar signs or obnoxious images are not ultimate. Understated is always the way to go, so please leave your stormtrooper cufflinks at home.

Netball. Not ultimate

These costumes wouldn’t look out of place in the PURPLE COBRAS dressing room.

The Last Page in Magazines

Nearly always ultimate.

Conditional Logic. Ultimate

When you become known by your nickname. Ultimate

This comes with one important condition:

If nickname = good then ultimate. Else, not ultimate.

Examples:

If nickname = Mr T then ultimate.

If nickname = titbrain then not ultimate.

Traveling in luxury private jets. Ultimate

No need to say much here. If you travel in luxury private jets, you’re pretty ultimate.

Over-use of management and corporate jargon. Not Ultimate

Most of us reading this entry have, at one point of another, used buzz-words like “action items”, “best practices”, “fire drill”, “hot fix”, and “potential show stopper” at work. Such terminology is a normal part of the corporate culture and its absolutely fine if used occasionally and in small doses. However it’s the over-use of this jargon which can get pretty annoying and is definitely not ultimate.

I got exposed to this during my first week of work when a colleague who was working on a presentation told me that “we would like to leverage you as an audience” and I was like “so, what you’re saying is that you just want me to listen to your presentation?” Why use so many complicated words to say such a simple thing? Leverage me as an audience?

Michael Flocker gave a great example in his book “Death by Powerpoint”. It goes: “I’ll circle back with you on that after I speak with my colleague who has been very proactive regarding deliverables related to that initiative.” Translation: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Biking shorts and related spandex. Not Ultimate.

Biking is fine. Wearing spandex is not. Unless you’re Lance Armstrong and have overcome cancer to win 5 Tour De France titles, you should not dabble in spandex. What’s funny is most bikers wear full biking outfits because they think they look quite serious. Hasn’t anyone ever told them they look ridiculous? Not ultimate. At all.

Someone get this guy some regular shorts and a t-shirt: